Fast Baseball or Slow – Dating Dilemma

You remember Kevin and Ericka? The Unofficial The Girl Revolution Teen Romance?

A brief recap: Kevin made an inappropriate comment about Ericka’s curvacious bod. Ericka slapped him back in line. He wrote to The Girl Revolution to find out why Ericka didn’t like her curves. I wrote back, saying maybe Ericka is groovy with her curves – but, didn’t like strange men ogling them and treating her like an object at first meeting. He said he was sorry and asked her out. Ericka agreed to give him a second shot.

They’ve had a wonderful summer dating.

Ericka has since kept in touch. Sending me an email every now and again, giving me updates and asking for advice. I’ve asked her permission, and Kevin’s, to publish some of our conversations for a few reasons.

First, I think you all might have some great advice for them.

Second, I’ve received a few comments from other young men saying they find the stream helpful to their own navigating respect and dating.

Please, leave comments if you have further advice or experience for Kevin and Ericka.

Ericka:

Hi Tracee.  Don’t mean to bug you, just checking in.  It’s always nice to be able to talk to an adult other than my Mom.  Kevin and I are having a great summer, trying to take advantage of the outdoors with swimming, hiking, etc.  We do have lots of fun together.  I want to take things slow.  He gives great foot massages and back rubs  and we have kissed many times but that’s as far as it has gone.   Does it sound like I’m doing the right thing?  Just wanted to make sure.  My friends aren’t as conservative as me when it comes to dating.  I even got teased by my friends the first time I met Kevin.  “I can’t believe you slapped him, you’re such a prude, you really need to lighten up.”  But I was proud of how I handled myself and I think Kevin respected me more for it too, so in the end it all worked out.

Tracee:

Go slow. You’re right to respect yourself. I only know this because I was more like your friends as a teenager and it caused me a great deal of heartache. When you’re young, you don’t really understand that your actions and behavior, choices and consequences, will follow you far into adulthood. Most of my regrets showed up when I had a daughter and I realized the high price I paid by being promiscuous. I mean, I would never, ever want my daughter to go through the pain I went through. Something I work on using Law of Attraction and how it affects my relationships.

One thing that sticks out in my mind is something I recently read in a Christiane Northrop book. She’s a world-class OB/GYN and scholar on women’s wisdom and women’s health. She wrote of a study that shows women have a chemical in their brain called Oxytocin which spikes when they have sex with someone. Anyone. Everyone. When women go through oxytocin withdrawal it is as painful as withdrawal from drugs. She said it can take 2 years to get over it. It chemically alters her brain, her body, her psychic energy – not just her emotions. So imagine having casual sex and having this emotional and physical rollercoaster over and over. That’s not really a fun ride for girls. I know. I rode that ride.

Kevin does seem to respect you. It’s not prudish to guard your body, mind and soul from casual sex and pain.

I thought it wouldn’t matter when I was younger. I thought it was just a game.

Take that advice for what it’s worth Ericka. Know that you make the best decisions for yourself.

Ericka:

Gosh Tracee, I don’t know how to thank you for this.  It must not have been easy for you to share all of that.  We’ll definitely go slow.  I don’t think sex has to be an important part of our relationship.

There is something that’s quite personal that I wanted to ask you about.  If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s ok.  My friends say that Kevin will eventually lose interest if I at least don’t allow him to massage my breasts.  I’m a little nervous about it but maybe they’re right.  If you have any thoughts let me know, if not that’s cool too.  This is all so confusing and tricky.  Life was so much easier before puberty, lol.

Tracee:

Kevin will not lose interest if don’t let him massage your breasts.

Want to know why men don’t calls girls back after sex? It’s not that he doesn’t “respect” her. It’s that he already achieved his goal.

Men are weird. They want you more if you don’t do stuff with them. When he achieves his goal, he makes a new goal. Breasts, down your pants, sex, etc. Then it’s new girl = new goal.

You should do what you’re comfortable with. For your own pleasure. Responsibly – emotionally, mentally, physically – responsible to your own self. Knowing that men are goal-oriented creatures. Not allowing him to achieve his goal right away is how you keep a guy interested and trying. Women and girls get far more attention and affection from men when they DON’T have sex with them. (Because he’s still motivated to achieve his goal.)

How old are you again?

Ericka:

Thanks again Tracee.  To answer your question, I’m 17.  I wouldn’t say Kevin has put a lot of pressure on me, other than me having to push his hands away from my bra area a few times.  He’s never said anything about it.  All of my friends allow their boyfriends to do that, some fully clothed some not, and obviously some of it goes beyond massaging, so I am starting to feel like a nun, lol.  But, I think we’ll keep things right where they are because that’s my comfort level.  Plus, we’re having lots of fun together in many other ways that don’t involve anything sexual.

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