I became single at 39 after a 12 year marriage. Not so unusual in today’s world. I have many friends and clients making this transition back to sovereignty and it can be exhilarating and intimidating and scary too.
Here’s some advice on attracting a more perfect mate than your last one:
Don’t date, because you’re not you yet. Not for a while anyway. Honestly, I recommend that you don’t date for a year after the divorce is final. You don’t even know who you are if you’ve been married for any length of time. You know “married you,” and “married you” modified all kinds of preferences and lifestyle choices and you don’t even know what you will choose now that no one else has a say over your life. Figure that out before you jump into compromising your life with a new person.
Don’t Date, because your energy still stinks of him. You think you’re free cause you got separated and you made a choice. But you’re nowhere near free. You think that you are free because you signed divorce papers, but you’re nowhere near free. You stink of his energy. Married energy is a combined energy of you and him and your life together, it’s mixed with every fight and disagreement, every joy and every sorrow, it’s mixed with minor and major compromises and it’s mixed with every complicated feeling you two created with each other. And it’s all over you. And it will take at least a year for you to figure out which of it is yours, which is his, which is “the marriage” and which you want to keep in your life. If you skip this part … you’re marrying the same person in a different shirt. You won’t be able to help it.
Don’t Date, because you’re finally free. You’re free! You’re free! You’re sovereign! You’re autonomous! You get to make your own choices and buy what you want and spend your time doing what you want to do! Wait, what do you want to do again? Oh, yeah. You deserve to figure that out before some person comes into your life and you start adapting to what they want to do.
Don’t Date, because you deserve to heal first. Yeah, lots of people think that just because they decide to get a divorce that they won’t grieve or need to heal. But, even if it was your choice and even if you wanted it … you need to grieve it and heal. You had a vision for that life that didn’t work out. You had a nuclear family and a life and now it’s all different. Grieve. Grieve fully. Grief well. This is Grief Worthy.
Now Date. Now that you’ve taken a year to rid yourself of his stink, grieve a life you’ve lost, reorganize your family, create a new social system, heal your heart and reinvent yourself you can start to date. Casually. Right now your focus should be on dating a lot of different people so you can see what masculine energy (or feminine energy) has been up to lately. Do it so that you can observe how you feel when you’re with someone. This is information gathering and fun. Make it fun, please. No pressure, no marriage. You’re allowed to make some mistakes here. Because hey, you only like a few hundred times and you’re pretty good at mistake recovery so go crazy.
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