I was super-excited to open this month’s O Magazine and see that your retirement lasted only one summer and you will now be offering Oprah’s Lifeclass daily on your OWN Network starting October 10th. I have missed you and have hoped that you would come out of retirement, so yippee!
I’m also oddly curious to check out Rosie’s new daily show. What won’t be fun about watching the self-described-crazy, divorced-lesbian, mother-of-four, menopausal, showtune-loving, liberal, self-deprecating comedian? I can’t think of anything.
Now, Oprah, you’ve been telling me for 25 years that I can “do anything!” Isn’t that what a life coach is supposed to do? And though my husband finds this endlessly frustrating as I blindly pursue my dreams based on this dubious advice, I continue to cling to it. However, I think I may have come face to face with something I may actually not be able to pull off.
It has to do with my limited DVR Magical Powers.
See, you have scheduled The Rosie Show at 6 pm Central and 7 pm Eastern and Oprah’s Lifeclass at 7 pm Central and 8 pm Eastern . . .
. . . during NFL Season when my husband is in two Fantasy Football Leagues.
. . . during my children’s fall soccer season, when we’ll be walking in the door from practice and trying to get dinner and family time and I have to wrestle the Littles into bed at a reasonable hour.
. . . during the Fall Season Lineup, Primetime Network Television, and Previous Long-Standing Commitments to Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice and The Office and other such pleasures.
. . . during an Election Year when Presidential Debates will be scheduled during these hours.
Now Oprah, I know you don’t watch much television. So let me explain to you how the DVR works. The DVR allows you to record shows when you are unable to watch television live. This has advantages like allowing you to fast forward through commercials and push pause while you go pee.
But, it has it’s limits. For instance, you can only record two television programs at once. So, if I am recording Oprah every night at 7 pm and a Presidential Debate is scheduled and my husband wants to watch Monday night football, what we have is a serious familial scheduling conflict. The other limit to the DVR is that you can’t say, “Okay, record Oprah every night, except on Thursdays, when Grey’s Anatomy is more important to me,” or “Record Oprah, every night except on Mondays when my husband is not going to miss Monday Night Football,” it’s an either-or proposition.
For 25 years you had an established Sacred Hour of 4 o’clock. Everyone in the entire house knew that to mess with the recorded Oprah show meant their own demise.
I’m doubting my ability to establish that during the Primetime Fall Season. Seriously.
My only saving grace will be if you decide to rerun episodes of your Lifeclass daily in the middle of the night when the house is sleeping or the middle of the day when the house is at school and work. Only then will I be able to commandeer the DVR, when no one else is vying for time. Please, decide to do this Oprah.
Otherwise, how will I ever learn to live my life properly? You are like my life coach, here.
Tracee Sioux is a Law of Attraction Coach at www.traceesioux.com. She is the author of Love Distortion: Belle, Battered Codependent and Other Love Stories. Contact her at email@example.com.