• Tracee Sioux - Attracting Miracles and Manifesting Magic
  • Tracee Sioux - Attracting Miracles and Manifesting Magic
  • Tracee Sioux - Attracting Miracles and Manifesting Magic
  • Tracee Sioux - Attracting Miracles and Manifesting Magic

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Help Me Change My Life: I Manned Up, Being Softer

photo 2 (1)Boy, you really Manned Up after you’re divorce, the Feng Shui Angel, Valerie Moore, said sitting in my bold orange meditation chair in my very linear brown and blue bedroom, quite masculine by any standards.

It was necessary and it served you well, because you had to learn to provide for your family and grow your business and get a lot done. But, if you want a boyfriend to be able to Man Up around you, you’ve got to soften now, she instructed.

Pink bedroom, pink bathrooms and laundry room, Love alter with three pink candles, soft frilly linens and curtains, was the prescription. It will soften you, she promised.

For goodness sake, get your office downstairs because you’ve outgrown this one desk in the corner, you need four desks in your money corner and this business energy in your bedroom is killing your love energy.

She was right, I quickly realized. Looking around my bedroom I realized how very masculine it was. Looking around my life in general it was clear that I had really developed my masculine side since my divorce.

It was in my exercise and the way I move my body with my crossfit and kickboxing routine. My wardrobe is feminine and attractive, but all very bold blues and oranges and reds. Attractive, but not soft, by any means.

It is in my language, which often includes sailor-worthy cursing and strong, forceful “assertive” language. My “I AM” statements, the most powerful statements in the Universe which literally create our selves and our lives, include I am a fierce badass, I am strong, I am powerful, I am hardcore. These are all things that I’m proud of being, but they are not soft.

People, let me put this into perspective for you. I had Brene´ Brown, the leading teacher on vulnerability sign my copy of Daring Greatly, the best-seller on being brave enough to be soft and open and vulnerable, To Fierce Badass. Yes, I did that and it made so much sense at the time, because that’s what I was working on embodying. A woman who could be entirely self sufficient—emotionally, spiritually, economically and romantically. See, I had to build a business last year to support my family as my parenting role had drastically changed with my divorce. And that takes a lot of doing energy and getting shit done energy and a lot of pushing through. So I was really focused on independence and business success and not needing a man to provide for me financially or emotionally or sexually.

This masculine energy is very much present in my dating life. I’ve been dating since about July and I’ve out-Manned every man I’ve dated. The more “masculine” the man, the more comical I found him and the more I Manned Up around him. I’ve have several men tell me that I was too “powerful” for them. Many men have told me that I’m “intimidating.” Others have tried to “alpha” me, which brought out the jagged edges in me, rather than the softness of my feminine heart. Yang needs Yin, Yang wants Yin, Yang is super turned on by Yin. If I’m being Yang, then who is Yin? I yearn to be Yin. But, last year I needed to Yang Up. And men, the heterosexual kind, aren’t turned on by Yang. They bring their Yang to the table and what they crave is a healthy dose of Yin. Last year, I wasn’t bringing much Yin.

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Send me a man who can out-Man me, who will care for my feminine heart, I instructed the Universe.

You soften first, came the reply.

As I painted my room a deep rose, and my bathrooms a softer peachy pink, I heard instructions to my Soul, Stand down, allow things to come to you, allow men to Man Up for you, allow God to Man Up for you, allow the Universe to Man Up. Be the receiver of masculine energy. Be Softer. Soften the jagged edges that are protecting your feminine heart. 

Which sounds delicious and easy and even like a relief to not have to DO so much and to sink into trusting and allowing.

Until I try it. I soften the jagged edges around my heart for a man, the tiniest little bit, and my feelings get hurt instantly and it scrapes and cuts at old wounds from my marriage that I didn’t realize were so fresh and painful. I’m shocked by the depth of the heart wound and by how deeply I’m still hurt. And I don’t know if I can allow a man access to wounds so deep and painful. Still, I know if I don’t, I’m blocking the intimacy I crave. And it makes me feel weak and wounded and vulnerable and scared. It’s much scarier than I thought it would be.

I notice that whenever I begin to soften in the presence of men, I brace myself for rejection or dismissiveness or sexual aggressiveness, my chest constricts and I take on an air of “I can take it.” Because that’s what I have done when masculine energy has wounded the feminine softness of my heart. “I can take it,” because to do otherwise is just pathetic and weak and will leave me open to traumatic pain.

The men in my life thus far have not taken very good care of my heart. And eventually, I stopped feeling the impact of that fully. I numbed out and closed off and “I can take it” without it “breaking me.” Which, when you think about it, is a very culturally masculine way to approach emotions. If I cry, I’ll give you something to cry about, my dad would promise. So I rarely do. If I begin to cry in public, especially in front of a man, I feel so terrified of looking stupid and foolish and showing my wounded heart, that I “suck it up” instantly and make light of the fact that I’ve committed the sin of having emotions, especially hurt, sad or even loving, tender ones.

I go on a date and he gives me the feedback that I am “hard as nails,” and I realize I haven’t taken it personally and I wonder if that’s healthy, or if a softer woman would have hurt feelings about it. My dad calls me and says terrible things to me and I wonder how my heart is so hard and cold and broken because it doesn’t even hurt. Is this a normal reaction? What does this lack of pain mean? Shouldn’t this wound me? Is my heart broken? I wonder.

So, I sit in my pink room and I wrap a pink scarf around my neck and I put on pink earrings and scour my closet for something soft (coming up short). I burn my fingers curling my hair, I put on the delicate panties, paint my nails a soft pink, buy pink lipstick. I buy a a pink orchid. I make a concerted, and pride-tarnishing, effort to ask men for help. I try to keep my heart open in casual conversation. I retreat to my pink room and try to reconcile my hurt feelings when a man touches my soft and wounded places, trying to allow myself to feel into it and let it go to heal the smooshy jello of my heart. My trusted friends, tease me into softer play and I try to slow down and I drop out of crossfit in favor of yoga and scour the internet looking for a feminine dance class instead. I decorate my dream board with pin ups and burlesque dancers and a delicate woman. I use softer, sweeter words to describe myself. I temper my self-talk to gentler phrases and softer dialogue. I try to move my body in more fluid ways.

I AM soft.

head shot of Tracee Sioux - Law of Attraction Coach

Tracee Sioux helps people Attract Miracles and Manifest Magic. She is the author of The Year of YES! chronicling her one-year experiment when she said YES! to everything her Soul told her to do. She coaches others about how to navigate their Soul’s Path in her Year of YES! Coaching programs, workshops and courses. Contact her at YES@TraceeSioux.com.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Corey Radman says:

    Ahh Tracee. I am learning so much from your journey & your willingness to share. Thanks for the edification.

    • Thank you so much for saying that Corey. I appreciate knowing that I’m not speaking into the ether for no good reason. Really.

  2. This reminded me of my own post-divorce journey. I didn’t “man up”, I had been manning up my whole life, it seems. I started rebelling against the stereotypical male/female roles as soon as I was aware of them. I grew up in the 60/70′s, when all that was changing. And, I had very traditional parents. I set out to prove I was every bit a man that a man was. Because men were better, right? I mean, they were the gold standard for all that was admired in the world, right? It is so sad that I picked up on that sort of attitude and felt I had to be as manly as possible to be “worthy”.

    What I decided to do after my divorce (25 year marriage, began at 18), was just “be” alone. I wanted to figure out how I would live, what I would do, how I would set up my life – alone. At that time I had every intention of being alone forever. It felt wonderful and peaceful. I had the thought that if I was completely and totally self-sufficient, nobody could ever pull the rug out from under me again. I clung fiercely to my independence.

    I painted my new condo brown. It was my cocoon, a place to heal. wanted to find out who I would be without a man in the picture, how I would live, what I would do….One thing I was very clear about was that I didn’t want a man who was attracted to my brokenness. I wanted to be healed and whole.

    A dear male friend kept admonishing me to “get out there” and date. I have absolutely zero desire. I kept telling him that if I kept building the life I loved, the people who should be in it, would be. I started a business, kept growing and doing and….accidentally met a man when we both arrived at the hospital to visit a mutual friend who had just had a stroke. After our first date or two I remember thinking, “Oh, so THIS is what God had in mind”. I could be myself. I could be feminine, without it being seen as a weakness. He could be himself, masculine, without it being a bad thing. We could just be ourselves. We could use our strengths to be good to each other. I could help him. He could help me. It was like two puzzle pieces sliding together with ease. Our strengths and weaknesses weren’t exactly the same, they were complementary. Ahhhh…..that makes so much sense, doesn’t it. Yin/Yang, lovely……

    Here’s the thing…..being single and alone is easy. I had convinced myself it was the way to go. But, I heard someone speak that made so much sense. She said that when you are in a committed relationship with someone, you knock the rough edges off of each other. So, it’s a growing experience. It may not be easy all the time, but you become better and you grow. Isn’t that a great way to look at it, getting your rough edges knocked off? She also said that if you are single, you should have a close friend who can do that for you, be honest with you, help knock the rough edges off. I loved that whole thought of learning to live with another and experiencing personal growth by doing so. Once I saw things that way is when I decided a relationship might be in the cards for me. I ultimately chose to do it. I said “yes” to God and the universe and opened myself up to the possibility of someone walking into my life who I could share it with and get my rough edges loved off. : ) SirG (my knickname for him) walked into my life about 2 months after I “decided” I was ready.

    Good luck on your journey.
    (just as an aside, I met you briefly in Atlanta at Christine’s conference…just to jog your memory of who I am)

    • Oh My Goodness Cindy! You are my Soul sister! I say I Manned UP! after my divorce, but I guess I did that a long, long time ago to some degree. I went to coffee with a man who asked about my name and I told him how I had legally changed my name after my first divorce as a 19 year old.

      “That’s a very masculine thing to do, choose your own name, usually that’s a father or husband’s prerogative.”

      I suppose it was pretty masculine, and I suppose at 19 that was intentional.

      And I don’t regret embracing my masculine and becoming a fierce badass. It’s been exactly what I needed to do to, as you said, create the life I want to live and figure out who I want to be without a man.

      What you describe with MrG is the exact outcome that I will manifest. Someone who perfectly slides into my life, a perfect yang for my yin. I’m softening for him as we speak.

      Thanks for commenting and sharing your story. It’s truly wonderful!

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