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Girls Talk Sex on Oprah

Following last week’s show and talking to your kids about sex and the whole vibrator thing – I think America was somewhat shocked that it had you know. . . . gone this far.

Do girls masturbate? Well, yes Gail King, they do. And some of us are okay with that. (The ones who masturbate/masturbated? (wondering why Mark Consuelo can say he masturbated for three years straight and I feel like I’ve just crossed a major social boundary for implying I might’ve heard about it?))

Should we, their parents, buy them vibrators? Uh. Some of us are just not ready for that.

Maybe it’s a bad idea?

I do not have any insider information at all about today’s scheduled Oprah show in which she discusses what’s really going on with teenage girls.

I suspect it might shock me into conservatism.

See, here’s the thing. I’m a girl who did and wishes she didn’t. I’m a girl who well, set the bar too low.

It’s not that I’m shocked girls send their semi-nude and nude photos on cell phones – I’m just profoundly grateful they hadn’t invented cell phones when I was younger and my long-distance boyfriend probably deleted those email.

I just can’t tell you how much I pray that Ainsley’s not nearly as stupid as her mother.

If anyone gets why girls do the things they do – I do.
If anyone gets why girls shouldn’t do the things they do – I do.

For the same reason – because I did.

Old tactics for prevention and abstinence don’t work.

They didn’t work when I was a kid and they don’t work now.

So, I think it’s best that every parent tune into Oprah today and listen to what Laura Berman and the teenagers who say they are “ready” have to say. It will be useful information whether we agree or not.

We’re going to have to do something different. You know the definition of insanity: “Doing the same things and expecting a different result.”

Time to rethink sex prevention and education.

Wanna meet up here and talk about it?

8 replies
  1. Jonna says:

    Do you know, my coworker’s 14 year old daughter told her “if it weren’t wrong, I would definitely be having sex.”

    Oh. MY. GOSH. No wonder her husband won’t let that child out of his sight, almost literally.

    I told her that she should be VERY concerned about who her daughter’s friends are (note: her best friend snuck out of the house and SPENT THE NIGHT at an 18 year old boy’s house . . . er trailer), since they are the ones who can convince her of what is right and wrong at this age!

  2. Anna says:

    I think for a lot of girls, 14 is past where parents can do any convincing, regarding friends or anything else. When I was fourteen, I was sneaking my then-boyfriend into my room, and sneaking out to see him, as were plenty of my classmates.
    Before I turned ten, my mother told me I wasn’t allowed to see my best friend after she caught us trying to pierce our bellybuttons together. That did not stop us. We went to the same small school, and my parents were not prepared to have me switch schools to remove one “bad” influence. If she had, I would have only resented it and most likely stayed friends anyway (even if it were long distance/ part time friends).
    I knew I shouldn’t, and that particular boyfriend (also 18) was very careful to use condoms, so I was as safe as I could be, considering what I had been doing. If it makes any difference, we were virgins to each other until our split after four years.

    I think that parents – at least mine – go about things wrong. My parents are very religious, and I grew up hearing that I have to save myself for marriage, anything sex related is a sin, boys are evil (until marriage, at which point they magically become gods), etc. I can only speak for myself, but I wish that parents would realize that IT HAPPENS. Kids experiment. Boys pressure girls, and girls want to be accepted/ loved. So instead of making daughters feel like whores and sinners, perhaps educate them on safe sex, and raise them to love themselves enough to refuse unless They Want to do something.

    My parents always said – with words – that my siblings and I could always call if we needed help. If we were drunk and needed a ride somewhere (even as minors), if we were being attacked by a partner, etc, we could always call.
    But the actions said something different. Different enough, that when I was raped by a later boyfriend, I was too terrified to tell them (or anyone) because they’d find out (I’m sure they knew, but it was a legitimate fear at the time) that I was sexually active. When the rapist got me pregnant, I was afraid to tell them because I knew that they would blame me for being a whore, and the wouldn’t allow me an abortion anyway. I had my baby at 17, after nine months of hiding, crying, and being ashamed.
    I have a lot of bitterness issues with my parents about that. But all of it to say that I want it to be different with my daughter (and all daughters). I don’t ever want her to feel like I don’t love her or I’m judging her actions. Do I get frustrated with her? Of course. Do I reprimand unacceptable behavior? Absolutely. But under no circumstance will I tell her (or any child) that she’s stupid or trashy. If my daughter wants to become sexually active when she’s younger than most people consider appropriate, I know that there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop her. Locking her in the house (except school/ sports/ etc), forbidding anything, will only make her feel like she has to lie.
    I hope that I can raise her to know that she’s allowed to have opinions that are different than mine, and she is always safe with me. Even if I don’t approve, I still love her, and I will do whatever I can to help her succeed and be happy.

    Anna’s last blog post..New Catalog

  3. Tracee says:

    I couldn’t watch it! My kids were home and my husband and I had to do something else and I haven’t had time to sit in front of the DVR.

    Anna. Anna. Anna. I was exactly like you.

    “I know that there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop her,” you say.

    I just hope you’re wrong. I hope that I can teach Ainsley and you can teach your daughter to look out for herself better than you or I did.

  4. Tamara says:

    This is such a good post, and I also enjoyed reading the comments. You are smart women with powerful reflective skills as well as imaginations … and hope … and awareness… (shall I go on?). You are exactly what your daughters need. I have an 18-year old myself, and she is in a much better place than I was at that age, at least as far as I can see. She has been nurtured not only by me but by her dad, her stepmom, her grandparents, her aunt and cousin, good friends, … and I am beginning to believe that it is this ring of solid love and support that has kept her sense of security and self-worth strong in a way that mine was not.

  5. that girl says:

    While I agree there are parents who go too far, are too strict – my own parents were super strict, super judgy, only talked to me about what not to do, etc…I still believe we all have to at least try. Are we really okay with the parents (and we all knew someone who had them growing up) who could care less? I had a good friend whose mom was going through a divorce and she let anything go – boyfriends stayed over (at 15), the daughter could stay anywhere until any time of night, etc.. I just can’t see that being healthy either. We have to find a good way – not just the opposite way, you know what I mean?

    that girl’s last blog post..I’m with the band..

  6. that girl says:

    I think the best prevention is an open dialogue – early – and lots of discussion about what to expect… My parents didn’t encourage any dating really, so I stuck around and never introduced them to anyone., if there had been a clear discussion of “we want to meet your dates, we want them to pick you up and take you out, we want him to be blah-blah- and treat you like blah-blah, I might have been okay with that and actually listened. I guess that’s what I’m going to try and do w/ my boys – listen, do lots of talking, insist we meet your girlfriends, friends, etc, insist they go on actual ‘dates’ and open doors, know the parents of girlfriends, set curfews, and clear boundaries we can all live with.

    I don’t expect my children to be virgins when they marry, but I won’t tolerate them being man-sluts throughout high school either.

    that girl’s last blog post..I’m with the band..

  7. Felicia (aka Mommy B) says:

    Traveling the past week has left me seriously out of the loop. I missed all this Oprah talk. What a great and important topic. Hell yes we need to find a new way to talk to our girls about sex. As a former teen who started having sex WAY too early, and paid just about every consequence there was to pay, I do my damdest to make sure my daughter does not make the same mistakes. But frankly, she’s going to make her own decisions… All I can do it give her all the information she needs to make smarter decisions than I did.

    Man I feel out of the loop. I gotta go catch up on Oprah.com and the post here from last week,.

    Felicia (aka Mommy B)’s last blog post..5 Ways to Get Your Girl-Child to Think Healthy

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