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Fast Baseball or Slow – Dating Dilemma

You remember Kevin and Ericka? The Unofficial The Girl Revolution Teen Romance?

A brief recap: Kevin made an inappropriate comment about Ericka’s curvacious bod. Ericka slapped him back in line. He wrote to The Girl Revolution to find out why Ericka didn’t like her curves. I wrote back, saying maybe Ericka is groovy with her curves – but, didn’t like strange men ogling them and treating her like an object at first meeting. He said he was sorry and asked her out. Ericka agreed to give him a second shot.

They’ve had a wonderful summer dating.

Ericka has since kept in touch. Sending me an email every now and again, giving me updates and asking for advice. I’ve asked her permission, and Kevin’s, to publish some of our conversations for a few reasons.

First, I think you all might have some great advice for them.

Second, I’ve received a few comments from other young men saying they find the stream helpful to their own navigating respect and dating.

Please, leave comments if you have further advice or experience for Kevin and Ericka.

Ericka:

Hi Tracee.  Don’t mean to bug you, just checking in.  It’s always nice to be able to talk to an adult other than my Mom.  Kevin and I are having a great summer, trying to take advantage of the outdoors with swimming, hiking, etc.  We do have lots of fun together.  I want to take things slow.  He gives great foot massages and back rubs  and we have kissed many times but that’s as far as it has gone.   Does it sound like I’m doing the right thing?  Just wanted to make sure.  My friends aren’t as conservative as me when it comes to dating.  I even got teased by my friends the first time I met Kevin.  “I can’t believe you slapped him, you’re such a prude, you really need to lighten up.”  But I was proud of how I handled myself and I think Kevin respected me more for it too, so in the end it all worked out.

Tracee:

Go slow. You’re right to respect yourself. I only know this because I was more like your friends as a teenager and it caused me a great deal of heartache. When you’re young, you don’t really understand that your actions and behavior, choices and consequences, will follow you far into adulthood. Most of my regrets showed up when I had a daughter and I realized the high price I paid by being promiscuous. I mean, I would never, ever want my daughter to go through the pain I went through. Something I work on using Law of Attraction and how it affects my relationships.

One thing that sticks out in my mind is something I recently read in a Christiane Northrop book. She’s a world-class OB/GYN and scholar on women’s wisdom and women’s health. She wrote of a study that shows women have a chemical in their brain called Oxytocin which spikes when they have sex with someone. Anyone. Everyone. When women go through oxytocin withdrawal it is as painful as withdrawal from drugs. She said it can take 2 years to get over it. It chemically alters her brain, her body, her psychic energy – not just her emotions. So imagine having casual sex and having this emotional and physical rollercoaster over and over. That’s not really a fun ride for girls. I know. I rode that ride.

Kevin does seem to respect you. It’s not prudish to guard your body, mind and soul from casual sex and pain.

I thought it wouldn’t matter when I was younger. I thought it was just a game.

Take that advice for what it’s worth Ericka. Know that you make the best decisions for yourself.

Ericka:

Gosh Tracee, I don’t know how to thank you for this.  It must not have been easy for you to share all of that.  We’ll definitely go slow.  I don’t think sex has to be an important part of our relationship.

There is something that’s quite personal that I wanted to ask you about.  If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s ok.  My friends say that Kevin will eventually lose interest if I at least don’t allow him to massage my breasts.  I’m a little nervous about it but maybe they’re right.  If you have any thoughts let me know, if not that’s cool too.  This is all so confusing and tricky.  Life was so much easier before puberty, lol.

Tracee:

Kevin will not lose interest if don’t let him massage your breasts.

Want to know why men don’t calls girls back after sex? It’s not that he doesn’t “respect” her. It’s that he already achieved his goal.

Men are weird. They want you more if you don’t do stuff with them. When he achieves his goal, he makes a new goal. Breasts, down your pants, sex, etc. Then it’s new girl = new goal.

You should do what you’re comfortable with. For your own pleasure. Responsibly – emotionally, mentally, physically – responsible to your own self. Knowing that men are goal-oriented creatures. Not allowing him to achieve his goal right away is how you keep a guy interested and trying. Women and girls get far more attention and affection from men when they DON’T have sex with them. (Because he’s still motivated to achieve his goal.)

How old are you again?

Ericka:

Thanks again Tracee.  To answer your question, I’m 17.  I wouldn’t say Kevin has put a lot of pressure on me, other than me having to push his hands away from my bra area a few times.  He’s never said anything about it.  All of my friends allow their boyfriends to do that, some fully clothed some not, and obviously some of it goes beyond massaging, so I am starting to feel like a nun, lol.  But, I think we’ll keep things right where they are because that’s my comfort level.  Plus, we’re having lots of fun together in many other ways that don’t involve anything sexual.

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6 replies
  1. Karen says:

    A guy will stay interested in you if you don’t have sex with him or allow him to touch you. And if he doesn’t, then he wasn’t worth having anyway. You need someone who will love you for who you are and what you have to offer, not because you will pleasure him. It’s hard to see now that you’re young, but when you get older you will understand that Tracee is right. Getting involved in sexual relationships does cause heartache and lots of pain. Your friends may say that everyone is doing it, but they’re wrong. And what they’re not telling you is how cheap and insecure they feel because of what they’ve done. I’ve worked with youth for over 10 years and I’ve heard many stories of regret and heartache. I’m glad you’re holding yourself to a higher standard. 🙂

  2. Candice says:

    @ Karen, I totally agree with you on this. However, how do you get your 15-year old daughter to believe it? We can talk, we can be honest, and I always have been with her, but I am having a hard time getting the message through without sounding like I am preaching to her. Thoughts?

  3. Tracee says:

    Sad but true: it helps if the advice comes from “not mom.” I am sure Ericka’s mom has told her similar things, but coming from me it’s easier to swallow. Ditto with Ainsley. If it comes out of my mouth, there’s more resistance.

  4. Karen says:

    I think it’s important to instill values in your daughter from the time she is able to talk. Start slow and teach things like respect for your body and modesty. My little girl was modest from the time she was 1 year old. Some people may think it’s cute for their little girl to show her hinny and her belly, but it’s not. I don’t think it’s cute at all. In my opinion, the way you want your girl to dress as a teenager should also be expected at a young age. Also, I think it is very important that the mother model appropriate behavior and dress. I am truly appalled at some of the things I see teenagers wearing; these are things that I would never wear as an adult. I just can’t believe their parents are letting them walk out of the house looking like that and setting them up to be targets of boys.

    But it’s not just about the dress and modesty. Those are ways to begin teaching these things. Tracee is all about teaching self-esteem to girls and I believe that is key to keeping girls from subjecting themselves to being used sexually. Many times a girl is not seeking sex; she is seeking “love” and fulfillment. She is seeking to feel secure. I believe this is an important role for the mom and the dad. Dads should date their daughters. They should set aside time to take their daughters to the movies, for an ice cream, etc. This alone can help build a special bond and also open up doors of communication.

    I also believe it is not the church’s responsibility to instill values in children. Yes, the church plays a role in guiding children, but we should not have the mentality that we can drop the kids off at church and our duties be complete. Guiding children should be constant and consistent at home, in our lifestyles, and in our actions.

    I also believe in accountability. I am constantly amazed at how nieve parents are. Maybe it’s because I’m a teacher and maybe it’s because I have worked with youth for so long, but I’m just can’t get over it. It still puzzles me. Our children need someone to check up on them. I see things on facebook and myspace by minors and I’m blown away. Are these parents not checking up on them? And the texts they send . . . wow! I have this kind of philosophy: “Yes, you can have a facebook, but I will be your friend on there and I will be checking up on you.” I believe this goes not only for fb, but other parts of their lives.

    These are just some of my thoughts. Your question is a great one. Unfortunately with raising kids, things are not so black and white. Things get cloudy for us and each child is different. I believe the things I mentioned above are very important though. I will continue to think upon these things and offer more information if I think of it. I hope this helps.

  5. Karen says:

    Oh, forgot to mention –

    As far as them being resistant to things coming from their parents’ mouths, you’re absolutely right. I think it’s important to try to keep communication open between parents and kids, but that’s not always easy. Try to place someone in their lives such as a mentor or someone they can look up to. This may be the person that they confide in and seek advice from. It could be aunt or just a close friend.

  6. Candice says:

    @Tracee – I agree, unfortunately, our list of ‘not mom’ friends is a short one. But my sister-in-law seems to be the person that she will turn to, as well as my brother – they are very close. I just hope she listens and takes what they have to say to heart.

    @Karen – thank you so much. I do agree with everything that you have written here. I feel that I have done the best I could with what I had at the time that she was little. She really is a good kid, i know what i was into at her age and i don’t see any of that coming from her. She does confide in me, sometimes too much, LOL! I am sure that everyone has a different perspective on what and how we should raise our girls, but one commone thread, we all want them to grow up and be strong and capable and independent.

    I do think that I hold her accountable for her actions. I do believe that there is a lot of merit in letting them make decisions on their own, good or bad, and letting them deal with the consequences as long as it is not a life threatening situation. I want her to learn from her mistakes and realize that yes she can make that choice and if she is okay with the consequences that she know will result, then do it, if you have to double think things, perhaps that is not the right choice. I suppose I am naive, but I have to give her the trust and allow her to learn on her own, I can’t follow her everywhere all the time.

    Anyway, thank you so much for the advice, this is such a great site – Thanks Tracee! I value all the comments. Have a great day!

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